(Young Gun In The Blood)

[DeathTheHorsemen]

(Eminem is a huge inspiration for me.) My names Dustin Torres I am 19 years old. (Mostly a poet and author)

I used to be a bad little white kid,
Always being violent causing shit,
Then a little ginger started being a dick,
An old bully became bullied,
I seen the error of my ways,
I swore never to hurt another person except punk ass bitches,
So I stuck up to this prick,
Pressed a knife to his neck and said,
You red headed poke a dotted freak,
im going to skin you right fucking here,
On the street,

He cried and begged for his life plus the smell of his shit in his own tights,
Then a cop came and toke me to the Juvenile Detention Center JDC,
Also got put into a mental facility because i was crazy,
I'm a Mobster and im sick of mother fuckers disrespecting me,
I really just want to snap peoples fingers and break their feet,
Smack them like the bitch they are and make them have epiphanies,
Try me and i will put you in the ground with no sympathy,
I'm Young Gun in the Blood,
Your just a drop out thug with no life "Homie"

[ILLunatic]

ATTENTION @DeathTheHorsemen,

This automated notification is a friendly reminder for you to provide (2) links to other member submissions that you left adequate feedback to. If you have already posted your links, disregard this notification.

[Emily]

DeathTheHorsemen, I think you've got some ideas that are good.
However, this sounds more like a story, than an om piece.
Let's get some technical aspects happening, some strong rhyme, some flow, you know.
I also think that the 'I'm a mobster, thug act' isn't an easy one to pull off.
It's not easy to make us believe it. And its all about making us believe stuff.
So, keep in mind that we want to read something that sounds, unique, and believable.
You had a slight typo in this bar...'Then a cop came and toke me to the Juvenile Detention Center JDC,' (toke)
Check out your syllable count, check some multis, some internals, a few metaphors maybe.
I think you've got talent, that's for sure, just need to check some technical aspects and chuck a few of them in.
Good stuff though DeathTheHorsemen. Interesting name too.