ok, so your doin a lot better at sticking to a subject and your structure.
now, you gotta work on your content. the way you wrote that piece, makes it sound like your just talking. if your just talking, then theres no tone/rhythm. which makes your piece bland to imagine, and thus boring to read. Like I said before, even tho you may have a little bit of a flow for that in YOUR head, doesnt mean that were gonna be able to catch on to it unless you gives a little bit of a hand with the way that you write it.
You gotta get creative. Keep the reader involved. otherwise, theyre not gonna wanna keep reading, or your piece will be really easy to predict, so on and so on. Try using Metaphors and similies. Rhyming a lot works, but you tend to over do it just a little bit sometimes, and that really tinkers with your ability to communicate to your audience.
Even tho you may want to express exactly whats on your mind, it may not be as interesting to the audience as it is to you. If your piece is just for you to see and no one else will be reading it, then sure, write it how ever you want. But if your expecting a big range of people to be viewing this piece, then you need to include subject matter and content that will relate to you directly, but also will include the majority of the crowd, because a lot of people can relate to something. Make it something really basic, because simple is alway good. Build from there.
Thats all for now.
Pz.
-Shawn Mac