One Way Ticket To Hell

[Twixn...]

i thought this line started it out slow

"as it seeks out prey above a rock on the cliff"

but it picked up fast and got into some nice relegiouse content... quick write here, may have taken time*i dunno* but it was short and sweet. nice little twist at the end... a common one but flipped in a nice way...

fav lines

taking you to an eternity of torture and pain
suffering for nasty harsh sins which were committed
do you remember? the depression of blood stains
evil laughter's of comedy (for the crime you did) Iffy


while corpses swim up to your ankles from the lava
pulling you in deeper, as the skin melts but not your soul
they Fein for new flesh, to play with for ever
don't worry Danny you don't grow old, it never gets cold

sweating, get used to it while we throw darts at your head
tormenting your life like the others, except it's you instead

''he closes his eyes, attempting to wake up from this nightmare
.....clutching his fists
he slowly opens them, (Lucifer waves -Danny 'were right here')''

all around good work here... nice views for such a small peice... but you got your context of your character a there and gave some good imagery to pull it through..

keep er up.

[Kaotic Theory]

thanx man upp'n

[grim.reap]

I like this a lot. This was a great story with excellent use of imagery, great strucure and flow. One of the best I've read so far.

yeah this was a good peice I liked it aswell gj man.

[Kaotic Theory]

bump.

[Kaotic Theory]

bump...c'mon feedback please

[Kaotic Theory]

You all are lame how is everyone gonna sleep on an Om....blah which instead they'll go reply to some newbs freestyle about peanut butter and jelly and how they get slapped around alot...bullshit

[Kay-ZAR]

it was good but it seemed more like poetry then a rap to me....nice structure diff vocab ..keep written rhymes