Sweet Caress

[shawty"B"]

when I see myself in darkness
I try to think of something other than my lonesomeness
I think of you voluptuousness’
tonight I need your sweet caress
in your eyes my soul finds rest
in my mind the best of the best
is right there within you, inside your chest
I find in you, thoughts in forms of the deepest
ways of mind and surrounding
I see no one around
in my thoughts, I do drown
no one to help my retched soul
I’m lost, I have but one goal
to live, to be there to see the light
to know that I indeed have won my own fight
a fight to see you
a fight for you to see me
it’s a battle not won so easily
I walk down the dark streets
these are the streets of my childhood demise
my thoughts and feelings, I wish I could disguise
thoughts of hatred and disgust
I wish not to walk through these streets, but I must
for the pain that I suffer is not only from my childhood pains
now as my thoughts and feelings drain
I’m a mistake, never wanted
and now inside my own head, I am taunted
for I am growing in times of war
I watch as streets are rattled
homes and stores......tattered
you grow in the same times as I
but there’s a difference... I never bothered to ask “why”
....finally....
you see me and I see you
but the difference is now clear to me, you’re a dream
my one dream, come true
you saw me when I was invisible
to me you’re invincible
in my throat I feel the tightness
forever thinking, but thinking rootless
as I sit here in the darkness
I think, tonight I need your sweet caress

[Neruda II]

hmm, its an ok poem. it woulda been better if u would have not touched on so many things. like keep it on topic. in a way i also like the different things because it keeps it from being boring. the rhyme scheme could have been better. the message is very good, and somewhat secretive till the end. the vocab was ok.

vocab-7/10
rhyme scheme-7/10
message-8/10
similes and metas-7/10
feelings-9/10
overall-38/50
final thoughts=good overall poem, i felt it could have been better, but it didnt bore me, which is hard to do. i felt like there wasnt enough time spent on this poem. still turned out good. hope ya write more, so i can read more

[Verbatim]

I thought this was in aight poem, lot of emotion, like ^^^said, try to keep on topic and it'll keep reader's more interested, but sometimes you just feel like gettin shit off so it's kinda hard, i've ben there myself. But overall i thought it was a nice, drop, nice vocab, nice flow, keep it up.

peace

[shawty"B"]

thnx... im probly gunna try 2 find the difrent topics in it and just post a peice from each of them

[shawty"B"]

common pplz return tha favas i need more feed back

[Shi]

i liked it seemingly comig from poet with a.d.d. it was nice u jumped alot of topics but kept it all the same on the true meaning of wut u began typing on...ill give it a 8 outta ten since i kno how the mind wanders...but very true to wut u meant to urself by writting it...much respect...-shi-

[shawty"B"]

thnx shi ill retun tha fava

[.:LadySage:.]

I didn't really care for this, like said above try sticking to one topic and just elaborate from there. But i too know how minds wander and everything seems to effect a feeling or situation, so I feel you on that. Your word usage/choice was kind of weak also, causing the piece, well to me, to lack emotion. The thought behind this piece was nice though. Besides what I stated above, it was alright. Keep writing, keep elevating.

[shawty"B"]

thnx, will do