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Thread: SSR Week 6: Truth (1-1) vs A Disciple (1-4) vs Spoken (3-2) OPEN FOR VOTES/Disciple NO SHOW

  1. #1
    The Man in Black Soule's Avatar
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    SSR Week 6: Truth (1-1) vs A Disciple (1-4) vs Spoken (3-2) OPEN FOR VOTES/Disciple NO SHOW

    30 lines
    Due Saturday, 11:59PM PT.
    Votes Due Monday, 11:59PM PT.

    @A Disciple vs @Truth Iscariot

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    Originally Posted by Wuxia
    You're a really talented writer. And I've only ever said that to Baron Mynd.

  2. #2
    Compositional Standard Spoken's Avatar
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    Re: SSR Week 6: Truth (1-1) vs A Disciple (1-4) vs Spoken (3-2)

    hi....
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    Cause A Fuss Truth Iscariot's Avatar
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    Re: SSR Week 6: Truth (1-1) vs A Disciple (1-4) vs Spoken (3-2)

    Check guys good luck

    AI

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    Cause A Fuss Truth Iscariot's Avatar
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    Re: SSR Week 6: Truth (1-1) vs A Disciple (1-4) vs Spoken (3-2)

    Den Of Thieves

    Roosters calling, ravens cawing above as we picked cotton and cane
    My family had been rich but The Depression found that fortune slain
    And now 8 of us toiled as summer sun boiled regality from our name

    I long to make my family proud - I’d daydream aloud to father’s dismay
    He saw the criminal spark in me from youth. Aiming to teach a different way
    But always I remained uninterested in birthing crop from southern Clay
    I had seen in the penny magazines so many finer things
    Bolt of lightening automobiles and sums of cash unreal
    To a poor farmers son
    One day I decided I had planted my last seed. I packed my knapsack
    And away I run…

    Hitchhiking and night riding to my rendezvous with city lights
    Chicago seemed a likely destination to deliver me from former life
    From Kansas I had managed to find myself in the Windy City empty handed
    But I strayed from pity, I pitched my schemes until impact promptly landed…

    I made a small gang of 7 young men, each as poor and hungry as me
    We struggled together, hustled together, our little patchwork family
    Our only decree, loyalty to self and the ultimate goal
    To make our fortune, brave and bold, never once did I mention home
    Neither did they. We were all in this together yet each of us alone
    And the money we made was never enough. Realizing this I started to cuss
    Saying “Damn it all brothers, the time has come to add some mettle to this run
    Grab your masks and your guns! We hit Chicago First Bank after 1:00”
    The boys were ready! Their focus was steady, I led the pack, breathing heavy
    Yelling, “EVERYONE ON THE FUCKING GROUND!!!” So close to fortune
    Only Fate could stop me now…Blue Steel froze bystanders like Gorgons
    We filled our sacks, like hungry Hyenas, us gluttonous orphans
    We made haste in our retreat but in our triumph found defeat
    Greeted by the entire Chicago PD and although, Guns drawn they yelled, “FREEZE”!
    And we froze on the spot, the cops opened fire! Killing me and my lot…

    AI

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    Compositional Standard Spoken's Avatar
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    Re: SSR Week 6: Truth (1-1) vs A Disciple (1-4) vs Spoken (3-2)

    Ext
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  6. #6
    Compositional Standard Spoken's Avatar
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    Re: SSR Week 6: Truth (1-1) vs A Disciple (1-4) vs Spoken (3-2)

    Ive

    Become a nuisance
    In the purist deformity.
    Struck casual cordially
    Bring happiness towards thee
    The abysmal enslaved,
    A festered fiend to a grave.
    Mixing the gin and the tonic
    With a lethal decay.
    Rose for the dead
    Now my heart skips to her play.
    Looping the memories
    But never given chance to allay.
    Pardon the slang
    It’s griping the visuals fallacy
    Challenging the brick and mortar
    That darkens the deepest fantasy.
    Another sip and the whispers
    Begin cascading the follicles.
    Standing firm above the brim
    With truth now becoming methodical.
    Is it possible?
    To love yourself more than another
    To feel the pain as you wilt
    Benign grievance as will
    But still it ripens the art in you.
    Aren’t you?!
    .
    .
    Left alone as I am in this scenario
    Pay homage to the carcass
    That lays wasted from Benadryl
    Fighting the deepest waters
    To feel yourself beyond theraflu.
    Kingmaker to thrones
    That bold like snow in Ontario
    Keeping the coldest heart,
    Yet pains catered; norethynodrel
    Sleepless nights right next to you.
    .
    .
    My insomnia is the rapture
    That taints my wealth.
    Depriving me of the greater things
    In life that paints itself.
    The wishing well that’s run dry
    With no more food for thought
    As our minds are black markets
    Left on shelves to be bought.
    This is my testament; willfully
    To address this panic
    As there are stranger things
    Living among the light in the attic.


    @Cody Nash
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  7. #7
    Landed Emily's Avatar
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    Re: SSR Week 6: Truth (1-1) vs A Disciple (1-4) vs Spoken (3-2) OPEN FOR VOTES/Disciple NO SHOW

    Truth

    I made a small gang of 7 young men, each as poor and hungry as me
    We struggled together, hustled together, our little patchwork family
    Our only decree, loyalty to self and the ultimate goal
    To make our fortune, brave and bold, never once did I mention home
    The boys were ready! Their focus was steady, I led the pack, breathing heavy
    Yelling, “EVERYONE ON THE FUCKING GROUND!!!”
    Truth, you've got great story telling skills. I forget I'm reading.
    You hold the interest of the reader which is no easy feat.
    Some favourite quotes above fell so well.
    The topic was covered nicely, the atmosphere was thick and the storyline cool.
    The flow was clean/obvious/rhythmic/pure and probably because of that I felt
    a hic up with what felt like a lil crowding/mouthful on the sentence below …

    I long to make my family proud - I’d daydream aloud to father’s dismay
    He saw the criminal spark in me from youth. Aiming to teach a different way
    I would have left out 'from youth but that's just me and definitely no biggie.

    Impressive writing here Truth.

    Greeted by the entire Chicago PD and although, Guns drawn they yelled, “FREEZE”!
    And we froze on the spot, the cops opened fire! Killing me and my lot…
    I gotta tell you, you did great to paint that period of time.
    Vivid imagery had me seeing this like a movie.
    And even though I like how you landed at the end, I felt your outro could have held a bigger punch.
    It's not that I wanted something unexpected, I got where it needed to go and I liked it,
    but ... idk, I didn't feel it as strong as the rest. It was clean wording, good wording,
    but I guess I wanted a bigger impact. I wanted to feel more at the end.
    Something spectacular happens when the outro walks out with the reader.
    This was really good writing, a testament to the writer you are and a pleasure to read.


    Spoken

    Ive

    Become a nuisance
    The abysmal enslaved,
    A festered fiend to a grave.
    Mixing the gin and the tonic
    With a lethal decay.
    Rose for the dead
    Now my heart skips to her play.
    Looping the memories
    With truth now becoming methodical.
    Is it possible?
    To love yourself more than another
    To feel the pain as you wilt
    Benign grievance as will
    But still it ripens the art in you.
    Aren’t you?!
    Sleepless nights right next to you.
    .
    .
    My insomnia is the rapture
    That taints my wealth.
    This is my testament; willfully
    To address this panic
    As there are stranger things
    Living among the light in the attic.
    Powerfully poetic. The meter has me melting in places, the pace ... really nice.
    The air it carries brings imagery to life and I'm seeing a vase with two roses literally dying to survive ...roses mixing with drinks
    and funerals whilst thinking of their own demise - roses respecting the dead - roses and ... 'Sleepless night right next to you'
    is stunning. The more I read the more I see. It's painting pictures that speak and come alive.
    You drew the topic with many colours and spun tales of misty-eyed petals,
    dirt under fingernails, and Aunt Edna in a coffin with too much make up.
    Dust particles waltz in the air with shatters of light, and I could go on but I won't. What does this have to
    do with your piece? Probably nothing, but thats the beauty of writing, you brought animated images into my mind.
    But the wording...ohhh the wording ... just beautiful.

    I think I love this.


    Great writing fellas, close match so comes down to personal preference for me.
    I liked both heaps. Loved the story telling and speed in Truth's work and loved the imagery and essence of Spoken's piece.

    Pleasure to read,
    Thank you





    V - Spoken
    Last edited by Emily; February 16th, 2022 at 05:40 AM

  8. #8
    Compositional Standard Spoken's Avatar
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    Re: SSR Week 6: Truth (1-1) vs A Disciple (1-4) vs Spoken (3-2) OPEN FOR VOTES/Disciple NO SHOW

    Tha k you for that vote respectfully... @Cody Nash @Phalanx @Fresh @Enoch @montauk @143 if yall could give the last SS battle a view or two and vote
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  9. #9
     Murder The Mainstream Nohbody's Avatar
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    Re: SSR Week 6: Truth (1-1) vs A Disciple (1-4) vs Spoken (3-2) OPEN FOR VOTES/Disciple NO SHOW

    Truth,
    The story wasnt super imaginative, but the narration was good. You came out the gate strong.

    Roosters calling, ravens cawing above as we picked cotton and cane
    My family had been rich but The Depression found that fortune slain
    And now 8 of us toiled as summer sun boiled regality from our name

    I long to make my family proud - I’d daydream aloud to father’s dismay
    He saw the criminal spark in me from youth. Aiming to teach a different way
    this is fire man. good internals, a little bit of foreshadowing etc...

    Problems start arising with your verse in the final section really. The last section didnt carry the same weight and creative wording as the first half did. The story never deteriorated, but it seemed like you rushed to get the story from point a to point b and lost the same consistency as when you started so it felt a little flat by the end.


    Spoken,
    At first glance, i thought this was going to be more flash than substance but im glad to report that was not the case. it had a heavy poetic tone to it, both in structure and wording. The concept really started to reveal itself around the middle section and the last part drove it all home. The pacing is nice. I like how the first section was just a bit of the characters disarrayed thoughts and sprinkled throughout is hints of the substance abuse used to overcome their battle with insomnia. Like Truth's approach, there was no real twists or anything the story did that was overly creative or anything, but you definitely hit more on the consistency side. The pace and flow was maintained throughout, your wording was clever and stayed balanced throughout ... overall, this verse had more polish and refinement.

    Good battle,

    Truth, in the future i would suggest to start strong like you did, but maintain that level of intensity from start to finish. I liked your story telling skills, i felt you just got a bit lazy with the wording and it lost a little bit of its luster by the closing arc

    vote- Spoken

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    An armed man is a citizen,
    An unarmed man is a victim
    .

  10. #10
    Compositional Standard Spoken's Avatar
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    Re: SSR Week 6: Truth (1-1) vs A Disciple (1-4) vs Spoken (3-2) OPEN FOR VOTES/Disciple NO SHOW

    Thank you @Nohbody
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  11. #11
    You've earned a custom title! Cody Nash's Avatar
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    Re: SSR Week 6: Truth (1-1) vs A Disciple (1-4) vs Spoken (3-2) OPEN FOR VOTES/Disciple NO SHOW

    I did a video vote/breakdown and I officially vote for Truth Iscariot

    Read both pieces out loud and gave a live reaction


  12. #12
    Lyrical Fire Slayerr.'s Avatar
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    Re: SSR Week 6: Truth (1-1) vs A Disciple (1-4) vs Spoken (3-2) OPEN FOR VOTES/Disciple NO SHOW

    Truth - flow was fantastic throughout this and I thought you used your rhyme scheme supurbly when building up the bank robbery to increase the tempo for the reader to then drop it back down again. Really simulated adrenaline then an adrenaline dump. That was the standout part of your drop for me. Story was easy to follow and I liked the “in it together but alone” line i wish you’d had thrown in a few more poetic or philosophical lines though. Good drop

    Spoken - I felt this was a little choppier than your other drops however by far the most impressive deep/poetic lines so I’m not mad, I’m always a sucker for those so forgive the flow.
    Love yourself more than another line was nice as was this;
    My insomnia is the rapture
    That taints my wealth.
    Depriving me of the greater things
    In life that paints itself.


    Overall good battle here truth had a good story and flowed well, started stronger than it ended whereas spoken had a more poetic drop. Usually I’d favour the one with more thought provoking lines however I got a little lost with the direction of the concept for spoken so based on that imma go with truth in what was a very close battle

    V/truth

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