A Disciple's Thread

[A Disciple]

I don’t like the culture I don’t like the family… I don’t like the abuse and I don’t like tapping or tracing… I don’t like the disrespect I don’t like the demand that seems to put me in some living like hell…. Just want to be feel and act like myself again at all times and like…

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My tv is stuck on a screen and no matter which button I choose I can’t turn it on or off… like let me find out for real

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It’s a living hell and so long as they get to decide for me it will be. I’ll never get better.. I will live the rest of my life disrespected, confused, sick and retarded… for who and over what for real? Cause I’m TAF

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J said they are all waiting to see this or is it that… guys it’s been I been this almost my entire life and like…

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I just don’t understand what I ever did wrong for a God to hate me and fuck with me and my head and principals this much…

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Oh wait… or is that what they do every time I reach back to pyre…

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That’s not happening anytime soon… they’re already hating on my body too much and I refuse to get any more deformed or fatter!!!

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I don’t trust a man that walks the same earth as me on my body… ESPECIALLY without even meeting me first. Nah I didn’t sign up though…

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Abusing me in my body like you are my god too?!??!

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I’m tired of the cycles, I’m tired of the circles, I’m tired of worrying about my families and loved one…

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Why do they get to hurt me in our Bourne city and then block and abuse me away from pyre too.or put me with the wrong type?

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Loved ones*

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I’m going to try to sleep…

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They flip me upside down and I lose hope with this any bish you wan… and after all these years it’s just getting worse and worse for me…

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Like tonight… why am I even still getting drilled Lord? These past 8 years is a world I know nothing about for real… but like… that license pic fucks me up even harder now and nah I never thought people who are so stand up people bow doing that to a human being and like…

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Between the real and the fake… someone’s got to go!

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Please fix me ASAP… it’s not so much the zombie or hypnotism thing it’s the fucking with an already crazy girls head on top of it.

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It’s the on people like them demand too? Like how that even happen for real? And why is nobody protecting me?

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The lunatic… a lunatic is someone who gets sick from looking at the moon too much or too long… nah that’s not me! But when I’m in an environment where they force me to… that’s when I get super sick and abused or used like their trash can. It’s not funny we are in our 8th year! I just want my god, my body, and my family back… and I want to know what’s going on for real. Or was just shooting me easier for everyone else to do to resolve this. I’m a person too…

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It’s cruel and unusual and I’m TAF I could’ve been watching tv chilling yet I’m in solitary confinement with my head spinning trying to make sense of any of this… most importantly how to get my god, my body, and my religion back.

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And I’m the one feeling and sounding gross heathing? I don’t fucking think so!!!!

[A Disciple]

What show? What I’m trying to run here? I’m trying to get peace and comfort in my own motherfucing body!!!!! It’s 2022 a new year and after everything I been thru shouldn’t have to sweat this shit too!!!

[Spoken]

Staytrue

[Candy]

[Candy]

[A Disciple]

Well… after tripping on my ig last night I can’t say I feel much better. Hit my ex with my car by accident - he hurt his back and not answering me… like… idk I’m jaded right now.

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Maybe I should go read some open mics and learn something…

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I’m hurt, I’m hit, I’m down… Pac I’m trying to stand back up again but it feel like not even God will let me. (

[A Disciple]

@Candy I'll check those songs out...

Was thinking of my "Shutter Island" experience just now... telling the man I lost my virginty to. We will call him Marcy because it feel like some type of genocide these days one. I don't know how he feels two. And I don't want anyone to know my personal business that deep 3. I wanna keep us all safe 4...


They’re so selfish, like life is all about them… Dear M,

Even though I know this letter will never reach you
I just wanted to let you know you’ve been on my mind…
Not because of who you became and what I feel is due
Just to let you know the comfort in the memories that I still find in you,
Sitting here reminiscing of the days I wish I could rewind
Like playing football in the rain, But…
The echoes of laughter then, they now drive me insane
It dangles like a noose suffocating my brain

C

I know, and I get it… cause I seen it all before
Now that everyone can see the majesty that I saw so easily saw
You couldn’t decipher truth from a whore
The last time I saw you the elevation thru exhilaration as I witnessed your hesitation
Then after the love that we made you said no more
It stabbed me with a pain deeper than the 8 swords my tarot predicted
And ever since then my world became kind of shifted…
I want you to know that I don’t blame you,
I know you were preparing me for a lie you knew we couldn’t get thru

C … Do you hear me crying?

I wasn’t too young to understand it when but then came the next loop to the bend
The one to pick me up from the fall couldn’t face the order too tall
And the one who was truly true became victim of how evil these streets can do
As I witnessed the sentence served of 22
What? Am I supposed to watch the unpredictable of now and how he gonna end up just like you
Or just deal with the real of the reality set forth in realization of my own true? (it was always you)
As we rise and we fall we have roads set forth to beat
As I sit here fingering the outline of my scars again humbling myself to the defeat
And as my own story unfolds, I wish I stuck up for us then just to warn you
But all I could do was cry and spit lies just to scorn you
I know now you did what was best for me, but the test couldn’t invest in the rest I’d see

__________________________

And on a personal…

I never made love ever again,
It was more like we was in Cesar’s war and I became that opposite whore just trapping a friend
I’m scared now that my ice has melted and I’m not sure where this leaves me,
Just figured out I’d reach out to the one that always felt it and was 3 steps before what I could see
And… I pray this letter reaches you in time, it feels like years left of my own sentence
Yet they never told me my own crime as they whisper all in due time
I didn’t come here to remind you of the pain that you caused when you left me too
More like I finally remember what I blacked out and how now even though it’s harder than ever…
I’m always admiring and praying for you – What’s love got to do with it?
But you still can’t see what we all do so plainly – put down your guns and just realize who’s true
And maybe then you’ll see what real love in form of agape can do.

I hope I can help snap you back too…. I’ll always love you.

Sincerely… Me, C
And then I realized it was me

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The 9 swords the tarot predicted*

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Why I have IX on my back (PAIN)

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Me waking up..

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When I say trap a friend... I meant finding a real one.. not setting one up

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@Candy that really was some genius shit from Papoose! Thanks for sharing. What you up to tonight?

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@Candy my favorite U2 is "Song from Someone"

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No never... I didn't know why I thought he only got 5 years and thought he shot Chris. SO I wrote and asked cause nobody else was talking. Then he said they did that mattress shit when I was 15 and I freaked the fuck out (Naugatuck Police can verify that freak out to mental) But I don't believe him. Then I found out what he was really in there for and it just freaked me out entirely so I stay away.

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Well now I know why I would say to myself i don't care I was with God.

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I'm going to read open mics and see if I can learn something.... it's like 4 degrees out here tonight and I'm not trying to go out. Not that I have anywhere to really go. My ex is ignoring me, I hit him with my car by accident... Listening to Kill Shot by Em. Long story. But I think he's mad at me.

[A Disciple]

@Soule I truly love Jonathon. I thought it was an amazing piece that captured me. How I relate I was gonna post in open mic but I thought being a tangent it's probably best to post here.

I dream of the ocean all the time... I used to have this one recurring dream waiting on a dock every time in a different old fashioned dress. My favorite one was in the military and we were lost in the ocean waiting for rescue and I was dating my partner and he was splashing the water to keep me awake... and then him splashing turned into fish jumping and coming back from that insanity when finally rescued. Usually though... the waves are always out of control in my dreams like innodating my homes - but I still wanna live on the beach LOL

[Candy]

me to i love that song

[A Disciple]

@Candy what time is it over there?

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Just talked to my ex... the one I hit with my car by accident listening to Kill Shot... he says he's fine not to worry about. He really is the most stand up man I know. He could've sued the hell out of my insurance and didn't. And when he was joking about doing it and sending me to jail... I asked if he was gonna take care of me the rest of my life then and he said maybe. I don't wanna catch feelings again... he's a MAN WHORE! He just really is a king and I wish the best for him. And he can be MEAN... he kicks me out his house all the time... even once at like 2am for snoring.

[Candy]

2:30

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i would never kick you out of the house not when you you call your vagina fefe

[A Disciple]

VV you mean? LoL... it's 10:47pm over here but I didn't wake up until like 5pm again... I don't know what's going on but I can't sleep at night, it takes like 6-8 hours to fall asleep and I usually pass out like 6:30am... it's annoying as fuck!!!!! And I go to watch tv and the internet is out or it's stuck on the settings screen etc. Annoying as fuck for real. Nothing to do but think... annoying. You working on any new shit?

[Candy]

i signed in to the haiku league to challange you and emily

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lol your lil vv imagine what emily calls it

[A Disciple]

Guys… does anybody know anything about the red spider cause I might be it… but pac is dead and 50 and Em a little too famous to get a hold of and ask… there’s nothing on the internet and I just say this case I wrote a spider web of words way back when in red. And like I done seen some shit that makes it hard to smile…

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@Candy LoL Emily did say something about it and I wanna try and learn. Can you send me the link?

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I’m pretty sure that’s why I was scrambling when i came back after the 3 bangs…

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And guys “blood get shot and got shot again so they was down 10” … don’t make me go ballistic on you all EVERYONE gonna stop shooting if I had my way. Let me tell you a story… someone was fucking with me leaving threatening stories on my phone and I heard my ex laughing in the back ground and after some spiritual shit really popped off (before my diagnosis but what made me go to the psych) so I was SO ready to kill his ass… but when I got to his house he came outside to face me and I respected that… then he said something so real it changed my life and perspective on a lot of shit. When I was down and NO ONE was there he looked out for me and gave me things to do to keep me busy. He ended up a key staple in my life and one of the most stand up man I know… he’s almost all I have and imagine if he was dead and not here - I wouldn’t have angels from his voodoo either so like… don’t pull it… don’t shoot… it’s almost ALWAYS a mistake and the WRONG person for real. Besides the fact that I would’ve been in jail instead of working corporate pharma in a drop. You grow up and the “game” gonna grow up with you… just stop the hitting and shooting for real. End of my PSA!!!

[A Disciple]

Make the right decision and you decide… a gift or a curse!

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I got the speech a very long time ago…



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I never was gangster but I grew up in the hood… unless I was in trouble and had to live with my dad… and then I’d run away back home again every time. LoL I was 16 when my high school party got lit the fuck up and my friend died in my lap on the way to the hospital - they say in surgery but I felt him lift. And like… don’t shoot it’s always the wrong person who dies. That’s my 2 and 4 and why I’m handing the reeper flowers tat