6 Foot 7 Foot

[Lil. D]

Okay, Lil D’s the name this rap shit is my game
I’ma untrained underdog some call me inhumane
I’ma kill this track with bruce lee blood in my veins
I sprained my ankles but I still walking in fame
If ya gonna tie me down y’all need more than chains
King of the world bitch the world is my claim
Every time a rapper come I-kill’ em like a fetus
Hoes all wanna get a taste of my penis
`Life is a gift, and death is the predator
You just dissing yourself so go back to being editor
Golden lines a ton I be killing every enemy
Metaphors and punchlines but you forget the similes
Y’all bitches just on my dick, other people spitting shit
Hoes they be on my stick, bitch blew it like a candle wick
I spit my shit like 2012 is tomorrow
I drown in my money cause to me it’s just normal
No agony or pain fuck a life built on sorrow
When bitches talk to me they know to talk shit formal


`I’m back again, that’s probably unexpected
Killed the last verse like he fucked her unprotected
Eyeball may be small at least we socially connect
Them racist call us chinks but my people unaffected
Ya they just resentful cause they don’t ace their report card
Can’t understand or see us they just playing in the courtyard
More dough that a pizza man free pizzas for Asian clans
Fuck pepperoni slices we use seafood on the cooking pan

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...534/index.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...664/index.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...47#post8047847


I know there's more bad lines than good lines and I'll post 3 links up when I get home.

[N.F.M.]

Heheh... I gotta laugh out of this one. It was funny. It wasn't bad, I liked it. You're spittin what you feel, and that's what makes this peice a hit, in my opinion. I never heard an Asian rapper before, but this has a little bit of style in it which I like. When you said you were gonna kill this track with Bruce Lee blood in your veins, I thought that was pretty intense. You got an attitude, which is another thing I liked about it. Attitude is everything. If you aint got the heart to rap, then the shit just sounds bogus. But any way, like I said I liked this verse cuz I can relate to it in my own way. Keep rappin homie.

[Lil. D]

Thanks bro, appreciate the feedback. Anything I should change though? It seems kind of weird in my opinion that a 13 year old is talking about girls on his dick but I dunno, maybe it's just me and the last line isn't too strong but I dunno how I could make it leave a mark.

[nSayn]

It's pretty good.
The rhyme scheme was kinda simple.
And there is no message, its just a bunch of rhyming.
Good song.

Keep writing!

[Lil. D]

I changed some stuff, expect something up maybe monday or so.

[Slayerr]

this was pretty simple, you got a basic grasp on what you need to be doing but your main problem for the moment is rhyme scheme you can just tell it's going to be simple just from that. you really do need to out in multis to smooth it out a little. You got a grasp on what metaphors are but they still need expanding, if your using a metaphor set it up in the first line then finish it in the second. Also the concept of im here who am i type thing is played to shit but everybody does it at some point and is a good way to start, no need to jump into storey telling or anything, i cant tell you're new to this and since you said your 13 it confirms it, this was good for your age, you got no where to go but up, keep writing.

not being a dick just telling you what you can do to improve. rtf if you can
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...var=&p=8048981

[The Gwapfather]

I agree with Actionz basically, was a very simple piece from the flow/rhyme schemes to the content, nothing wack, just lacked a bit of creativity overall, keep at it though, 1..

[Hollow Cost]

hmmm this was very simple, some ideas were off the wall and irrelevant. if you put an idea into a bar try yo make it relate to the other things ur saying. work on rhyme scheme and u could use a higher vocab. metaphors could be better. jus keep writing and u'll elevate. take a look at some vet OM's and you can better see the elements that go into a good OM. not sayin ur's is bad it could jus use some work. no hate fam keep elevating