Simply - A Second Chance

[Spekz.]

Simply - A Second Chance
By: Spekz.

Doubt -
diseased infidelity
hollows my words
and stiffens my bones.
Unable to wipe away tears
I gargle my sins
swallowing my exhale.
Unable to breathe
I give up.
Simply - surrender.

Embodying a magic ball
clouds of smoke - a dying breath
forms my misfortunes
or rather,
the life I pursued.
Unruly, disguised with smiles
and excuses - ruthless.
Forcing me to relive my life
before my very eyes
on a screen within my being
simply - a translucent me.

A wall of emotions crumbles,
as I lay against my rib cage
waiting for a heart beat.
Simply - a sign of a new life.
A second chance.

[artisan.]

I think this was an attempt at a moving poem...however I just didn't feel in the moment, the words didn't capture me.

I felt like you were giving me details of a huge painting "the border is black" and "a heart explodes--its red" does not tell me enough.

Forgive me for being so forward. This is far from horrible work, just try to remember if you wish to pull someone into a certain feeling that some of your readers may have been in a fitfull of laughter before they started reading your poem. Not to say that the audience should control your writing...just be more mindful, I think.