"A Weak in the Military" - Fun D.M.

[Hush...]

I'll edit with my links shortly...

leave links and I'll RTF...

A Weak in the Military

man I don't wanna be here, getting yelled at while waiting in line getting my gear...
I still see my pops bitching, "You queer, you're going goddammit, the mission is clear"...
Dude behind me keeps poking and shoving, all his friends laughing, joking and cussing...
we got to our rooms, and I'm bunked with the goon, "imma make you choke and love it"...
I sat down and wrote my cousin, telling him bout the problems I'm faceing...
Everyone is telling me to fight back, but I don't want that monster to hate me...

Boot camp wasn't too bad, altho God, that's what he makes me call him now...
was a dick and busted my chops, I got fucked with alot but kept from fallin' down...
s'alot worse now that we can roam free, he acted like my homey till I got close..crap...
He grabbed and slammed me, started beating my ass till finally my nose snapped...
the nurse asked what happened, and of course I lied and twisted the truth...
she said "you gotta stand up for yourself, or those guys'll keep pissing on you"...

The orders came in, whether we liked it or not we were going to Iraq...
they assorted our men, and then we all prepared to assemble the attack...
God requesting that I was on his squad with the best team and so I had to...
We arrived at our destination, and he finally caught up to me in the bath room...
I never saw it coming, he hit me from behind and I dropped instantly...
one last stomp then he said "You would be dead if we were in the street"...

We were in the field scouting, I had finally healed proudly and active again...
We were doing recon and ran upon some enemies and started to take fire...
naturally we fired back and radio'ed in for help, that's when I heard smack!...
was I hit? I checked myself but found no blood, I turned and looked back...
God was down, shot in the chest..turns out he's not the best, I was so happy...
..laughing hard, I thought for a second as the bullets were wizzing past me...
should I finish him off? It would be so easy to just pull the trigger back...
I wanted to do it so bad....
But I knew if I did, I wouldn't be able to live with my self after that...
from that day forth I got the respect I deserved, and people celebrated me...
not only was God humbled, but I also got a badass medal for bravery...

[Mr.Schizzy]

First off I like your stucture it was very well formed and a great flow too it.
Second your story line was amazingly crazy, it didn't once go off track.
Third you a had a quite a bit of multiples which is always good when a attracting readers.
The only thing I would say is elevate your vocabulary a bit but besides that your verse was over all pretty good... I would give your verse a 7 out of 10.

I got few verse up, if you want to give some feed on them

[Hush...]

Bump

[Wize-Guy]

Sorry....but needs a lot of work...sounded elementary

[Hush...]

Sorry....but needs a lot of work...sounded elementary

find another site please...

[Wize-Guy]

Why, cuz you gotta bunch of garbage emcees on here? I bet none of these kats have ever even been in a real studio...

[Wize-Guy]

Did you say i suck something "fierce dude" your a fuckin hill billy lol. How could you say i suck....read all my posts and then compare to this bullshit. This is fuckin awful. No multi's, punches, or anything.....weak

[Hush...]

actually there's quite a lot of multis in there...you're just to retarded to see them, please stop posting in my thread...you're whack.

edit: Get out of my thread, don't even bother replying...

[Wize-Guy]

Hey hill billy doosh.... You are awful and couldn't come close to touching any of my verses....ask a real emcee and don't just use your own judgment...
Your first two bars of that last paragraph or whatever the fuck it is...didn't even rhyme...and yea there were some multi's maybe two..your dumb ass prolly wrote those by accident lol

[Hush...]

jesus christ are you that stupid?

man I don't wanna be here, getting yelled at while waiting in line getting my gear...
I still see my pops bitching, "You queer, you're going goddammit, the mission is clear"...
Dude behind me keeps poking and shoving, all his friends laughing, joking and cussing...
we got to our rooms, and I'm bunked with the goon, "imma make you choke and love it"...
I sat down and wrote my cousin, telling him bout the problems I'm faceing...
Everyone is telling me to fight back, but I don't want that monster to hate me...

if I had no multis, what do you call all those rhymes in bold ^ ??? Please leave my thread, you are an idiot and your freeposting grows tiring...go to the Front Lines forum if you want to argue and battle...Now, we're done with our lesson for today child...go away.

Mods, can you please delete all this freeposting that is cloggin my thread, thank you.

[Wize-Guy]

Wow man that was so dope....."the mission is clear" was a horrible line. Like your dad would have really said that....the rhyme was wack!!! Face it! Pussy!

[Hush...]

dude, you're a troll go away

[Wize-Guy]

Wow you would say that...never seen goodfellas homo?

[DERwrEKed]

some memorable lines were
"Dude behind me keeps poking and shoving, all his friends laughing, joking and cussing...
we got to our rooms, and I'm bunked with the goon, "imma make you choke and love it"..."
i gotta say,boot camp was a breeze for me lol

[Wize-Guy]

Exactly this dude is a pussy lol and you are right....the only good line was the one talkin bout cussing...sorry but true