help me.

**DMCasem** · September 21st, 2009, 05:11 PM

so basically i'll take one of my works and break it down with what i had in mind.

im the forecast in this summer heat,
rain on you like mayweather, circle my calender as godofwar's defeat,
this fools expiration is up,
he got lost on the bottom while im chosen on top as the fresh cut,
i stir cauldrons like a twister,
pull a right hand over your neck and call me the future winner,
this battle is a powerless struggle,
your spit-fire temperature is below zero, this nigga can't even move a muscle,
with all your yakkin dont talk back at me,
cuz no one would buy your bullshit even if it was free,
imma break you apart like i grind my weed,
finish you off with a cherry top but ill never invest in a bad seed.

L1 - You'll see me coming in the heat(battle)
L2 - May weather = Rainy = Droppin hits alot. Mayweather(boxer) = 40-0.
L3 - Self explanatory.
L4 - Bottom meat never gets picked cuz the top gets picked first.
L5 - Cauldron = Premonition. Twister = Game.
L6 - Right Hand Over Your Neck = Move in Game. Future Winner = Premonition fulfilled.
L7 - Self explanatory.
L8 - Basically, he can't move cuz he ain't that hot.
L9 - Yak, Dont Talk Back = Yakback Toy.
L10 - Self exlanatory.
L11 - Self explanatory.
L12 - Cherry Top = Bowl Still Lit, usually hitting good. Bad Seed = Never Grow.

So basically that's what I tried to get out.
I'm not sure if everyone grasped it but if you did then how could I have made it better?

**The Incredible Hulk** · September 21st, 2009, 06:03 PM

Ok..i know this is smoka's elevational thread..but i'll try and help aswell,seeing as i voted on this battle,and gave you bad marks..Also i vote on 90% of battles...

ok here goes..

im the forecast in this summer heat, <--- talking about yourself..
rain on you like mayweather, circle my calender as godofwar's defeat,
^its still not really that direct hitting..
''im the forecast in the smmers heat,i'll melt you until your punches cant stay together
circle my calender as godofwar's defeat,and rain on you like mayweather'' ...hits harder
this fools expiration is up,<--why is it up?
he got lost on the bottom while im chosen on top as the fresh cut,
^talking about yourself again....
i stir cauldrons like a twister,<--- talking about yourself again..
pull a right hand over your neck and call me the future winner,
^what does a right hand over your neck have to do with being the future winner?
this battle is a powerless struggle, <-- powerless struggle for who?
your spit-fire temperature is below zero, this nigga can't even move a muscle,
^ spit fire lines are played,+ it had nothing to do with moving a muscle,even though the muscle part did have something to do with being a powerless struggle
with all your yakkin dont talk back at me,<---- thats not dissing him...
cuz no one would buy your bullshit even if it was free,
^too simple,but a metaphore in there...what else is free?
imma break you apart like i grind my weed,
finish you off with a cherry top but ill never invest in a bad seed.
^its not that direct,its saying what YOU wont invest in...its not really a punch..

I hope this helped...You NEED to stop talking about yourself...use BOTH the lines in the bar to come at your opponent,as the first line sets up the punch

BE DIRECT..!! make the voters see you are dissing him..

i wont start telling you to use wordplay until youve mastered the basics,as wordplay comes with experience...it takes you to the next level..

peace..

**DMCasem** · September 21st, 2009, 06:29 PM

so pretty much use both lines to DIRECTLY hit someone, hmmm..
aight i can go by that.
wordplay and rhymes isnt hard to me, just getting the "rap battle" style down.

**The Incredible Hulk** · September 21st, 2009, 06:42 PM

Yeh...because if you talk about yourself in the first line.....youve waste half a bar...as no-one is gonna score you high for talking about yourself,even if it does link in with the punch....

peace.. good luck