just a quickie before work

[Dobblekick]

my rhymes ain't magic there ain't no hocus pocus
incase you haven't noticed when it comes to rap im fully focused
someday ill be on big wheels and you'll still be in your ford focus
i went on jeopardy and the question was "describe what being broke is..."
so i buzzzzzzed in and told um broke is when your livin at your cuzzzzzzins
babysittin for her while she be out with her husssssband
broke is when the bank calls just tell you you got nothhhhhin
broke is when you got no shower scrub in
broke is when you sit outside the club to try see what fun is...
but that ain't what fun is...
fun is when your 8 years old and you don't know what money is
cuz back then nothin mattered you just had ya toys scattered all over the floor
you didn't know why the cops was knockin at the door
back then you didn't know that daddy was sellin guns
back then you kept quiet and just made your own fun
but when you grow you realize how much you missed when you were young
damn, that makes me miss being young!
i wish i could go back and re-live being young!
I wish i could go back to school and pay attention so I wouldn't be this dumb.
I wish this and i wish that fuck where's my genie in a bottle at?
If i could make a million wishes i'd still wish for a million more on my last
I wish I didn't know what being broke is and that i could return all the stuff to that store that i broke in...
instead i just got a lot of guilt and its beginning to soak in
Life is lookin like a battle that i won't win...
Regis asked if I wanted to use my last life line... but damn... I got no friends...

links up once i get to work... gotta get there first tho...

[Dobblekick]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...am-399427.html

[Dobblekick]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...us-399861.html

[divine-rhymes]

nice damn dude, bitchin!!!!

[J Mo]

Interesting piece. A little corny at times with the game show references, but the overall theme was enjoyable to read. I like how you ventured to put in some distinct repetitive patterns, like the "broke is" and the "i wish" part. I had trouble understanding how some of the lines transitioned to other lines, but the flow wasn't too bad.

[Dobblekick]

thanks for the feedback...

which parts didn't transition well? i wanna read um and see how i could maybe fix them...

[Sänity]

Damn that was really good, I really enjoyed reading that. Wow, I just tried to find my favorite few lines on this piece and I ended up quoting the whole thing, this was just dope imo

[Issue]

my rhymes ain't magic there ain't no hocus pocus
incase you haven't noticed when it comes to rap im fully focused
someday ill be on big wheels and you'll still be in your ford focus
i went on jeopardy and the question was "describe what being broke is..."
so i buzzzzzzed in and told um broke is when your livin at your cuzzzzzzins
babysittin for her while she be out with her husssssband
broke is when the bank calls just tell you you got nothhhhhin
broke is when you got no shower scrub in
broke is when you sit outside the club to try see what fun is...
but that ain't what fun is...
fun is when your 8 years old and you don't know what money is
cuz back then nothin mattered you just had ya toys scattered all over the floor
you didn't know why the cops was knockin at the door
back then you didn't know that daddy was sellin guns
back then you kept quiet and just made your own fun
but when you grow you realize how much you missed when you were young
damn, that makes me miss being young!
i wish i could go back and re-live being young!
I wish i could go back to school and pay attention so I wouldn't be this dumb.
I wish this and i wish that fuck where's my genie in a bottle at?
If i could make a million wishes i'd still wish for a million more on my last
I wish I didn't know what being broke is and that i could return all the stuff to that store that i broke in...
instead i just got a lot of guilt and its beginning to soak in
Life is lookin like a battle that i won't win...
Regis asked if I wanted to use my last life line... but damn... I got no friends...

links up once i get to work... gotta get there first tho...

Good work, Dobblekick. Good name too, ha. I don't know how long you've been writing, how long?


Firstly, you seem to not take any pride in your work. Sometimes the piece wont stand by itself, & especially on the background here on RB, poems just copy & pasted look lax & that you really couldn't give a shit about this. Don't butter it up, but give it a heading, perhaps another font & even out a few of those lines & you will see how pretty it looks. Pretty sounds stupid, but it's easier on the eye & if you look at a lot of the heads here who get a lot of feedback, that's where they start, with a bit of pride in their work.

I asked how long you've been writing because there are parts here that i think are Potentially impressive, such as when you switched it to being the baby in the house rather than the man is what I really like to see. What I'd have liked would have been for you to have switched this into three different stanzas, one from you, one from the baby in the house, & then a third from wherever just to finish it off. When I decided I liked that part, you'd already moved on & spoke about a cliche genie. If this was perfect, you'd have spent a good few bars explaining to how great it was to be a kid & have no worries because it's something a LOT of people reading this will relate to, & to me it was the outstanding part.


Unfortunately, the rest was pretty safe. The first two bars didn't grab my attention at all for a text piece, something that I think is what needs to be strong to get a reader to grasp and want to read your piece. If you don't realise, when you hover over this thread title on the Open Mic main forum page, as with any, you can read the first few lines from there & I know a lot of people just read there and see what grabs their attention, so the opener has to be on point & with a lot of effort.


I wouldn't try to help if I didn't think you needed it, & truth is there are a lot of things here you could work on, but like I said I saw potentially a nice little part where you switched the the childlike view of the world, so I'm willing to give you a bit of heads up. I hope you listen and don't just fuck me off ha,

good luck man.

[Dobblekick]

I used to write back in the day when I was in middle school. Nothing like to much tho... just for fun. Then I got more into poetry kind of stuff instead of rhymes. I just started getting back into this kind of writing like in the last few months. I have a couple friends who I battle with through text messaging throughout the day, but usually we just fuck around.

Thats like some of the most intense feedback I've ever gotten tho. Thanks! I do take pride in my work... I just don't know my way around this website... AT ALL. I still haven't figured out to put a damn picture haha. I'm gunna take what you say into consideration for sure. I feel like I have a totally different style than most people on here and hopefully I can stand out a little bit more if I put the effort into it. Thanks a lot tho man. I liked the feedback.

[+h3_B|@ck_+enchu]

someday ill be on big wheels and you'll still be in your ford focus
i went on jeopardy and the question was "describe what being broke is..."
so i buzzzzzzed in and told um broke is when your livin at your cuzzzzzzins
babysittin for her while she be out with her husssssband
broke is when the bank calls just tell you you got nothhhhhin
broke is when you got no shower scrub in
broke is when you sit outside the club to try see what fun is...
but that ain't what fun is...

i like the beginning the best, the first 2 lines were kinda plain.....but it picked up after that....i could relate with the last few lines out the quote...lol...but it flowed pretty good throughout..

the rest just went with it and kept the rest of the drop on topic....but yea i can see you actually doin some hit shit if u cared more, and showed wit wit a serious or out of the norm topic