¤|-.Pandora's Box.-|¤.

[¤|-.Alpha.-|¤]

Pandora's Box


As the pain grew darker, Tears fell from my eyes as I laid there coughin
Dazed an unconcoius, It seemed everytime I blinked the days got longer
Within every step my brain an heart hurt, My chest, legs an arms jurked
Every breath pained my carcas, my unstian'd tamed rage could slaughter
My face disgraced my honor, The exact same pain that breaks my armor
At any stage I can display a monster,.. I've been haunted for seven years
A promise thats begging tears, A secrete thats guarded by heavens shield
Locked in a dreaded leer, Thats darkened and watched over by demons
In a closet thats so hot an steamy, U could rot in it an not no ur bleeding
It's like Pandora's Box but you dont know the secrete, That lies before u
The reason your life is spoiled, Is becuase u believe that time controls you
U dont see thru the eyes Christ showed u, U blink when the light is coiled
Then your dream an life gets boiled, I find a path, An I except the pattern
If I design a map I can't neglect what happends,.. It's just a test of savage
I'm to depressed and sadden, So upset, I can't even express my gladness
The best of habbits, But I'm blessed like catholics so I confess I'm ravage
Obsessed with lavish, Possessed by famish, Instead of earth an life its self
I'm cursed with lies from hell,..... A thirst that gets worse when I need help
Words cannot describe my yells, So I started to use sign language instead
A wise angle I lead, So now when I'm I pain I show signs like it's the end
I got more signs then a pyrimid, But my soul is still trapped in a rubix cube
In a blackend an humid room, That can easily capture every humans move
Scatter thru illusion fumes, Both my soul and spirit are decade and rotten
Disgraced an darkened, They both passed away just to save my concoius
As the pain grew darker..........Tears fell from my eyes as I laid there coffin

[¤|-.Alpha.-|¤]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=183580

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...=183497&page=1

[DeafBlind&Mute]

Last line coffin or did you mean coughin? Needless to say on with the critique.

Flow- very good
Rhyme- also good
Verbage- also also good
Theme- well thought out but a little underdeveloped, in places it was lost, overall however was well implemented

Advice- give your theme more attention and try to focus on writing pieces that stay focused throughout the entire piece I liked it alot however and you get mad props on this one.

[¤|-.Alpha.-|¤]

Nah the last line is coffin, This was for a topical tourny, I was suppose to make the first and last line the exact same, But mean two diffirent things. Thanks for the feed still uppin.

[..IllThoughtZ..]

^^^lmfao at feedbakk...anywayz...its bout time some ill heads dropped.All i been seeing was a bunch of whack OM's lately and they kno who they are...but this is da definition of dopeness yo structure was flawless..internals was mos def on point...if i had to say anything negative it would be just to make your piece more complex by using a lil more advanced vocab not a lot but a lil because your vocab was mos def there...my fav lines...

Then your dream an life gets boiled, I find a path, An I except the pattern
If I design a map I can't neglect what happends,.. It's just a test of savage
I'm to depressed and sadden, So upset, I can't even express my gladness
The best of habbits, But I'm blessed like catholics so I confess I'm ravage
Obsessed with lavish, Possessed by famish, Instead of earth an life its self

lol...sick ass multies dawg...give dis a rating of 9.0/10...yo i might nominate dis joint doe ...good drop

[¤|-.Alpha.-|¤]

^^Good looks, Thanks alot for the honest crit. Still uppin for more feed.

[K9_THESHIT]

good OM man!i think this is the first time i read one of you drops...
I liked this because from the first line you cought my attention.the drop had deep emotions and feelings,and you expressed them pretty well because i was able to feel some of your pain as i was reading it.the imagery was done well,you've had good vocabulary and metaphors and really emphasized your thoughts a lot better.the flow was good,and so was the rhymescheme...overall a good read man.i'll be looking foward for you next drop...keep it up!

and if you could drop a feed in "Beteleuse's curse"(in my sig) i would much apreciate it!
Peace man!

[¤|-.Alpha.-|¤]

Thanks for the feed. Still uppin for more feed tho.

[¤|-.Alpha.-|¤]

Thanks for the feed. Still uppin for more feed tho.

[..Xplosive..]

Ayo...

Overall Dope Drop Man ~*PROPS*~ i can see you rgood at battles and open mic'z lol...hmm..yea good multies especially in sum part it was like what the fuck is this a rap or a tounge twister Ha..Good structure all the lines were equal so it was really easy to read and i never lost my place..and what comes with good structure comes good flow and flow is pretty much one of tha mane keys to a rap i was juss gliden thru that rap really easy to read ya kno i see tha first few lines and made me more intrested...Thats all i gotta pretty much say but overall REALLY DOPE DROP...

Keep Em Comin man really dope...

Return fava on battles i do open mics once in a while not a lot tho

Anyway ~*PROPS*~ MAdstlye...Word.

~1~

[hollywoodnt]

sexy use of sims and metas. liked the smooth flow throughtout the entire piece, structure was dope. ending gave me goosebumps. overall this was very nice, somewhat abstract, allwhat sexy. can't really tell you much to improve on. liked it alot.

[MiSta_AuTh3nTiQ]

This was a good open mic here................


Your imaginary was good, excellent. The emotion was good too, the expression that came from the narrator from your verse i felt it. The vocab is good also, just dont "over-use them" The flow was good mane got mutli'z in it. Overall this a good verse, most dopest one i've ever read.

[aemeth]

yea, multies was pretty nice here, was feelin that mos def..content and vocab was ill as well..only thing was i seemed to be reading it wrong in terms of following the multies when they switched up, but it may just be me..

nice work..

8.5/10

[KªL¡]

overall for me, homie:

another perfectly exectued piece....I dig ya flo'

(::..BREAKDOWN..:

As the pain grew darker, Tears fell from my eyes as I laid there coughin
Dazed an unconcoius, It seemed everytime I blinked the days got longer
Within every step my brain an heart hurt, My chest, legs an arms jurked
Every breath pained my carcas, my unstian'd tamed rage could slaughter
My face disgraced my honor, The exact same pain that breaks my armor
At any stage I can display a monster,..

( i could feel the exact emotion youre displaying, very nice way, of settn a graphical enviornment for the mind) .....i felt as if, I was in this Pandoras box, its crazy, ive read in it before, ) nice word play, multis, & structure..


I've been haunted for seven years..
A promise thats begging tears, A secrete thats guarded by heavens shield
Locked in a dreaded leer, Thats darkened and watched over by demons
In a closet thats so hot an steamy, U could rot in it an not no ur bleeding

(this is a good line 2...the illusion of something we know, but know nothing about....) good word play, nice flow structure, nice choice of wordz..

It's like Pandora's Box but you dont know the secrete, That lies before u
The reason your life is spoiled, Is becuase u believe that time controls you
U dont see thru the eyes Christ showed u, U blink when the light is coiled
Then your dream an life gets boiled, I find a path, An I except the pattern
If I design a map I can't neglect what happends,.. It's just a test of savage
I'm to depressed and sadden, So upset, I can't even express my gladness
The best of habbits, But I'm blessed like catholics so I confess I'm ravage
Obsessed with lavish, Possessed by famish, Instead of earth an life its self
I'm cursed with lies from hell,..... A thirst that gets worse when I need help
Words cannot describe my yells, So I started to use sign language instead
A wise angle I lead, So now when I'm I pain I show signs like it's the end

yo all this shit is here is off tha hook,
nice syllables, nice word play, it flowed very nice, good structure.....cant pin point what i actually like about this here, cuz its all flames homie...

I got more signs then a pyrimid, But my soul is still trapped in a rubix cube
In a blackend an humid room, That can easily capture every humans move
Scatter thru illusion fumes, Both my soul and spirit are decade and rotten
Disgraced an darkened, They both passed away just to save my concoius
As the pain grew darker..........Tears fell from my eyes as I laid there coffin

ridiculous, again, very good word play,
nice flow all the way through.....
nice choice of words..........
good imagination homie......nice illusion of concept, actually bring out ya words, in intense feeln,........i really liked the metaphors.....good job....

overall, this piece had really good structure, i actually liked reading, i wanted to finish readn it after the 1st line, nice opener....
great job on puttn people in the seat of what your imagining and portrayin, in your words.......
nice, really good job homie, keep droppn...............


rtf

[Deviate]

This was a very good piece. You wrote with great vocabulary and used a lot of imagery and metaphor. These combined created detailed and great images in my head. It was a hard title to tackle but I think you did it well... Only thing I could possibly fault you on is the structure, but as I have said to others that is only a minor technicality. You wrote with emotion and style and it came out very well... Well done.

If you could check out "Alone I Seek..." in my sig I'd appreciate it.

Peace