Computer Contact - Part 2 (I Sat And Waited)

[Reeco]

I Sat And Waited
Written By Timeless

I sat and waited, staring at a shadow on the floor
Growing colder with each icy breath I take to my heart
I become a fast forward Video as people come and go
But forgotten like a old movie that will never start

I still sit and wait with patients, hoping you'd appear
My soul punctured by these bike's speeding past
My eyes bleed with this anticipation of wanting to see ya
Each new person I see, kills my hopes like the last

It gets darker in the air and my heart and soul
The sun sets on my life with heavy regret
I had visions of you and me together, growing old
I've known you for a lifetime, but still we haven’t met

I pick myself up from this bench looking grave
And look at the sun set beyond my sea of dreams
My hearts really drowning now, it needs to be saved
The World is empty to me now, so it seems

I sat and waited, staring at a shadow on the floor
Growing colder with each icy breath I take to my heart
I waited for ever, just to here you say hello
But forgotten like a old movie that will never start

[Bloom.Quist]

I sat and waited, staring at a shadow on the floor
Growing colder with each icy breath I take to my heart
I become a fast forward Video as people come and go
But forgotten like a old movie that will never start


^Right there, first line just brought me in. Not really the first 2 lines. Well said and well written, but the end of that stanza is what i felt. "I become a fast forward video as people come and go". Greatly put, a very good contrast. "But forgotten like an old movie that will never start" Another good line. Showing the emotion of being forgotten/lonely is a great way of putting feeling into a poem. I didn't like how you repeated the first stanza at the end of ure poem, but hey thats just me. Great job all around. Keep up

B

[Foreshadow]

Damn this was nice you had great imagine-ary. Along with amazing details you relly did a nice job.

[Bloom.Quist]

Shadow try to give a more explained critic. U say the same things about every poem. But some thought and advice into ure replies please.

[Reeco]

thanks guys................................uppin..

[Mistral]

Need a link to a poetry piece my man! or this gets closed by me or bloomy!
(Waves to the bloomy one)

[Reeco]

Here you go Mr. Credz

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=139326