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Thread: I Can't Believe it (Deep shit, RIP Denise)

  1. #1
    You've Earned a Custom Title! YJ's Avatar
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    Unhappy I Can't Believe it (Deep shit, RIP Denise)

    Links:
    Sit down and write - fgee
    My feelings - HeXen


    damn this shit fucked me up
    32 bars for you Denise!

    (hook)
    I can never believe what my eyes can see
    wit you gone, theres no sunny skies 4 me
    n witout you here, my world feels colder
    I'll keep you in my mind as I grow older
    your death...I can't leave it alone
    n I cannot believe that you're gone

    (verse 1)
    So many deceased people, most die young
    n I could die day today cuz I'm so dumb
    I nearly got hit by four cars in one day
    if that day, there wouldn't be a Young J
    what will you do without my physical presence?
    ya'll would probably weep as much as peasants
    I can't believe it...

    Hispanic babygurl, who was five three, five four
    n education was what she wasn't tryna strive for
    smokin n' drinkin, day n' night every single time
    for 16 years she was livin the lifestyle of crime
    in 7th grade, me and Denise broke all of the rules
    me n her would stay planning things dat were cruel
    we would stay harming the enviroment of teaching
    in science class you'd make unpleasant screehing
    and I would bother the geeks who were getting A's
    they say the past is behind, cant relive that day
    Denise!, remember? we barely even knew each other
    we teamed up tha outcome sum ass bad muthafuckers
    After 7th grade, evil shit, we I stopped plannin
    n as I changed mentally, I started understanding
    the reason of school, we parted, I was expanding
    my popularity in high school and I saw your signs
    you decided to sit in tha back, I left you behind
    I would shine, you were getting ready to shutdown
    tha lady I used to see wit evil grins would frown
    now, you turned lazy, and everyone could see that
    as quite as a mouse, sleepin everyday in tha back
    you then dropped out, I neva heard from you again
    year lata, its 3/29/04 I'm not feelin tha madness
    because as I returned, I saw the faces of sadness
    and somehow, I knew that something had gone wrong
    Denise in a fatal car crash?, Denise is long gone
    died 2 hours later, her life smashed, I didn't cry
    n your last sentence to me was "eh, do I look high"
    but that was a year ago...a year ago, a year ago(echoing)
    save me a spot in heaven, my comin won't be slow

    (hook x4)

    (outro)-overlappin
    damn your death fucked me up
    if it wasn't for you I wouldnt be no class clown
    no trouble maker, I knew who you were
    but we weren't friends, save me a spot up there!
    a spot for trouble makers...my story...
    Denise was crazy but everybody told me that she changed a lot
    She stopped smokin & drinkin and she had a job
    She left her house without her parents knowing
    so she could chill wit her boyfriend
    they were sooo close to coming back home til
    they crashed into a car cuz they were speeding
    Denise flew out of the windshield and broke her neck
    her boyfriend died on da scene, she died 2 hours later
    I wrote this while I lighting a candle for 2 hours
    Rest In Peace Denise Somarriba(1986-2004)
    BEST OF YJ
    Holla at cha Boi
    Watch Me
    Eyez of a Young Nigga
    Can't Forget yall
    Luv sick
    I can't Believe It(RIP Denise)

  2. #2
    Arsonist, Outlaw, Watcher Withersman's Avatar
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    deep shit man....reminds me of my girl Cara. Same thing happened with her. Your relationship with Denise was the same I had with Cara, and from wut I read. Those two were just alike. Hispanic, 5'3. Let me get back on track. This peace was very deep, fueled with emotion. The concept was deep because this was real. Props to ya man. Peep my shit, "Cry". It's in my sig. it was my dedication song to Cara.
    uppin this peace

    -Withersman
    RIP MANET

    OPEN MICS

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  3. #3
    You've Earned a Custom Title! YJ's Avatar
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    thanks
    BEST OF YJ
    Holla at cha Boi
    Watch Me
    Eyez of a Young Nigga
    Can't Forget yall
    Luv sick
    I can't Believe It(RIP Denise)

  4. #4
    You've Earned a Custom Title! YJ's Avatar
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    uppin
    BEST OF YJ
    Holla at cha Boi
    Watch Me
    Eyez of a Young Nigga
    Can't Forget yall
    Luv sick
    I can't Believe It(RIP Denise)

  5. #5
    You've Earned a Custom Title! YJ's Avatar
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    damn!
    BEST OF YJ
    Holla at cha Boi
    Watch Me
    Eyez of a Young Nigga
    Can't Forget yall
    Luv sick
    I can't Believe It(RIP Denise)

  6. #6
    You've Earned a Custom Title! YJ's Avatar
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    can I get a little luv?
    the most slept on artist that would be me!
    BEST OF YJ
    Holla at cha Boi
    Watch Me
    Eyez of a Young Nigga
    Can't Forget yall
    Luv sick
    I can't Believe It(RIP Denise)

  7. #7
    PleDge
    Guest
    you decided to sit in tha back, I left you behind
    I would shine, you were getting ready to shutdown
    tha lady I used to see wit evil grins would frown
    now, you turned lazy, and everyone could see that
    as quite as a mouse, sleepin everyday in tha back
    you then dropped out, I neva heard from you again
    year lata, its 3/29/04 I'm not feelin tha madness
    because as I returned, I saw the faces of sadness
    and somehow, I knew that something had gone wrong
    Denise in a fatal car crash?, Denise is long gone

    ^those lines were coming in fast..and it seemed that the closer you got to saying what happened to her....your bars got smaller....dope

    died 2 hours later, her life smashed, I didn't cry
    n your last sentence to me was "eh, do I look high"

    ^this bit was well calculated... putting something like *her life smashed* one line about *do i look high* lightens the mood of the piece...but not so much...it made me smile...i mean come on...lol someone might have killed themself if you hadnt put that in

    Seriously consider tryig out for 13th if you want..... you got potential kid

    PLEDGE XxX

  8. #8
    You've Earned a Custom Title! YJ's Avatar
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    thanks ok
    BEST OF YJ
    Holla at cha Boi
    Watch Me
    Eyez of a Young Nigga
    Can't Forget yall
    Luv sick
    I can't Believe It(RIP Denise)

  9. #9
    Life & Times
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    Nice piece here...

    Very emotional, I love the personal pieces and this was definatly that. Your emotions wrote this, not your head.

    I'd say fix your structure to encourage more people to read it. Also I'd add multies to make it more interesting because this sounded too simple.

    But overall it was still a good drop.

    Hit up 'Loving To Hate' in my sig.
    LM
    The Life
    & Times
    ...The Rhymes

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